08 May 2008

baby update

Okay so I know there is a better title out there for this blog but I can't for the life of me think of it at this moment. So, for now it will be "baby update". I guess a more correct title could be "lack of baby update", but that's a little depressing.

I have been thinking about writing this blog for a few weeks and just couldn't seem to do it. I want to keep sharing about my struggles and triumphs in this journey that Josh and I are on to become parents. It's just such a hard thing for me to do. I could write on and on and on about senseless drivel but when it comes to putting the contents of my heart out there to be availabe at the click of a button well, it's just a little, shall we say, terrifying to me. If you are new to my blog, you can catch up on my story here.

So I have been feeling the need to write an update, and have been avoiding it for the reason I just stated. I'm not even sure what to say. I guess I will start with the facts. Those are safer than feelings. =)

I am on my third round of Clomid, hoping and praying that it works. =) Okay, sooo, that was fast. I guess there's nowhere to go now but on to the feelings. I am trying so very hard to trust God, because I am still not to the point of understanding the why of it all. It really is such a roller coaster ride of emotions. There are good days, there are bad days, and then there are days where I just coast through, purposefully emotionless. On the good days I am trusting God and placing all of my hope in Him and excited about where this journey is taking me. On the bad days it's all I can do to keep from crying at every little thing, and it seems to happen on these particular days I find out that friend #582 is pregnant...and oh! they weren't even trying. Just kidding, I don't even have 582 friends. It's on those days that all I can think about is how unfair it all is. Then there are the "coasting" days. These are the days where I force myself not to think about it at all. I fill my quiet moments with something, anything. I surf on the internet for anything and everything I ever wanted to know. I just keep my mind busy, because I'm sick and tired of having the bad days and I know if I allowed myself, those "coasting" days would become the bad days.

So all that to say....I'm not really sure. I guess just to keep ya'll updated and let you know that nothing has really changed so far, and I'm doing my absolute best to lean on God to get through it! Thanks for your prayers! They are very much appreciated!


  1. Oh, Susie, I am praying for you. I'm sorry.

    I have an appt with an RE on June 4; trying not to go with "fix the infertility" in mind, but he's at a pre-eminent fertility clinic, so it's a little hard...

    Love you!!!

  2. I know it is hard...waiting for God's answers are that way especially when we know how bad we want something that He totally has control of that would be such a blessing. I know all the right answers you get from others are not really the right ones, one thing I have learned and am still learning is....His time is always perfect and I can't wait to see that time unfold for you both! Love you so much and proud of you! I am praying : ) Thanks for sharing your heart!

  3. Travis and I pray for you every night. I can't say that I understand exactly how you are feeling...but I do somewhat understand...just definately not to the same extent. I remember when #582 friend told me they were getting married and I didn't even have any friends I wanted to date. I remember the hopeless panick that I felt (what if I never get married, never have a family, and so on). All that to say that I feel for you and am really proud of you. Please know that we pray for you every night and I think and pray for you often through out the day. Please let me know if you ever want to talk. I am here for you. Love ya, Missy