08 September 2008
is it real?
Sometimes I still wonder if the doctor got it right. Maybe I should go to my family doctor and make sure I don't have a really long case of the flu? I guess it comes from wanting something for so long, then desensitizing myself to it so that it didn't hurt as much. I think I told myself it WASN'T going to happen so many times so that I could get myself used to the idea if it never did happen. I've done that my whole life. Expect things not to go the way you want, that way when they don't, you're not disappointed and if they do, well, you're pleasantly surprised. I can't say I've ever done that with anything this big before, though. Usually it was expect a low grade on a test I took or tell myself there's no way I would get what I really wanted for Christmas. I am looking forward to when I have more evidence of being pregnant than the uneasy feeling in my stomach!
Sometimes I try to figure God out (I don't know that I have EVER succeeded at this). I think, why now? Why not earlier? Why not later (thank God it's not later!)? I could go round and round with myself as to why God may have kept us from getting pregnant until now. I really don't know if I will ever know for sure. But, as much as I want everything to make sense and have purpose and order, sometimes God just doesn't give us that. He wants us to trust Him, and I think that if we knew the reason to everything, it would be easier not to do that. I am thankful. While I am hurling into a bucket or buying stock in Saltine crackers, I am thankful! He has truly given us the desire of our heart and while it's what I've wanted more than anything, I know I don't deserve it.