Imagine something that you have always wanted. That one thing in your life that you have always aspired to. That one thing that is the only thing that you know you want for your life, more than anything else in the world. Then imagine sitting down with a professional who tells you nope, not gonna happen for you.
I was told almost 7 years ago that I would not have children. I know I've written many times about this before, but when I was trying to think of a topic for my first thinker post since the blog overhaul, I kept coming back to this topic.
I try not to pretend like since I experienced a short time of infertility that I know all about it or that I know exactly what everyone who has experienced this is feeling. Because I think that even though there is a special bond that is formed between people experiencing this, I also think that there are differences, too.
Let me just say this, though. I do know how you feel when your friend tells you she's pregnant. I do know how you feel when you hear about that teenager who made a mistake. I do know how you feel when the lady in your church that everyone prays around does get her answer to prayer. I do know what it's like to constantly try to avoid the question, "So when are you having kids?" I do know what it's like to not like your own reaction to these things, to wonder how you can prevent yourself from hurting in response to someone else's innocent joy.
Today, I have 3 children, and even though I have walked that road of infertility for a short time, I don't know that I have answers. Quite honestly I still don't know the why. I had someone who also dealt with this tell me a few months ago that it was 11 years before she was able to turn her pain into help and comfort for someone else who was going through it.
So a few things I do know.
The pain is obvious. There is pain in infertility. The trust we need to have is in God. I failed miserably at this many times. It is a daily need. To trust that He has my life in His hands. That He understands my desires and my pain. That He has my best interest at heart. That He sees the whole picture and makes it all work together for good. The comfort comes from truly believing it. Believing with your whole heart that those things are true. How do you get there? Pray. No matter what you are feeling. Anger, pain, uncertainty...pray through it. Talk to God. Cry out to God. Let Him see your anger and your pain. Just don't stop. You will get there. The pain will not ever, ever go away, but it will become manageable in the comfort you find in baring your soul to Him.