34 weeks - and the sciatic demon

This is my least favorite prego pic, I think. However, this is about documenting, and not about how great I look, right? =) So maybe all you "experienced" could let me know if now is the time when I start moaning and groaning about pregnancy woes and start saying how I just want this baby out of me...or am I jumping the gun on that? I still have 6 weeks to go, give or take. I am definitely moving slower these days! Once I stand up from sitting or lying, take a breather to balance everything out, then I start to waddle/limp for a couple minutes before I start to look relatively normal. As normal as you can look when you're pregnant and waddling. I've had issues with my sciatic nerve for quite some time throughout these past several months. It's quite the pain in the arse (pardon the pun - or don't, that's up to you). Let's see, what else? I pee 2 - 3 times a night and roll over about 2 - 3 times a night...both taking about the same amount of energy and both waking me up completely. I have elephant ankles 95% of the time...not the wrinkly ones, but the big, fat, puffy ones. I'm miserable at my job and feel like I'm just wasting time there. (Oh, wait, I guess that's not a symptom of pregnancy. Or I guess it could be, depending on how you look at it.) Other than just being all around uncomfortable I guess that's it for the pregnancy woes. And to be honest, I feel like I'm doing pretty good. I have a lot to be thankful for!

The excitement is building and I am constantly checking my ongoing list to see what else needs done before Daisy gets here. My mom has booked a flight for the evening of my due date and made me promise that Daisy won't come early. Daisy and I had a talk about it and she said that she would hold off if she could for Grandma, but she can't promise anything. She said she would do her part, though.

Josh and I went to our first childbirth class last night. I feel really good about our instructor and felt pretty comfortable in the class. I think it will be a really good and instructive time for us.

25 weeks (almost)

22 weeks

This picture is a week old now. I go through phases with my blogging and lately I've been in an "off" phase. Sort of like the childhood diary I used to keep where I would write in it for a month straight and then not come back to it for six months. Maybe not quite to that extreme. =)

Things are rolling along. I go for my next appointment next Tuesday and get the joy of going through the sugar test to make sure I don't have the gestational diabetes. Since I'm kind of at high risk for it I am praying I can sail through without it. I can't believe we are over halfway there! Josh has had the opportunity a couple of times now to feel Daisy kicking. That was so cool! Sometimes she's quite the little gymnist....or tae kwon do master....you know, whatever. ;)

While I love being pregnant, I am hating my job more than ever and that kind of throws a damper on things a lot of the time. I dread getting up in the morning b/c it means I have to go to this job. I dread going to bed at night b/c it means I will have to get up in the morning to go to this job. I dread Sunday nights b/c it means the weekend is over and I have to come back to this job. I am not planning on working after Daisy is born. I have never understood those who go back to work after having a child, simply b/c they want to. I have always wanted to be a stay at home mom and I guess it's just one of those things I can't imagine that everyone else doesn't want to be that too. A very self-centered view, I know. I almost feel like it's what I was made to do. Especially since I have never had a very strong pull to a certain career or field of study. I went through college studying things I enjoyed and having a lot of fun, but I feel like I was more just sharpening my hobbies rather than preparing for the future. Then when I got out of college I basically just took the first good paying job I could find, which happened to be sales, which just might be the job I hate most in the world, go figure. I am not a salesperson and I'll be the very first to admit that. I am more the "would you like this? no? ok." type of person. So anyway, all that to say, I am counting the days til I can walk out the sales door and never look back.

Josh and I had a great time visiting my family in PA over the Thanksgiving holiday. I have a few pictures that I can post later, but honestly I think I was having such a great time relaxing and enjoying time spent together that most of the time I totally forgot about taking pictures, which is weird for me. I think Daniel and Kate took more self-portraits than I did chronicling the whole trip. Hee hee. You know at least one of them will have to show up on the family website, Kate. =)

My mom threw me a baby shower while I was home, which was awesome. I got to see a lot of people I normally wouldn't have, and we have a good start on things for Daisy's grand entrance. I will share more on that later. TTFN!

Oh, by the way, if you use Google or some other reader, you should click on my blog to see my new layout. I think it's pretty. =)

The results are in...

Josh and I had our 20 week ultrasound on Monday and it was amazing, to say the least. We got to see our little girl moving around and being all cute. Everything looks great and we are totally ecstatic to meet our Daisy LouAnn!!

boy/girl?

Spending all night in the ER is not fun. This is what Josh and I did last Monday night. I had been having a really bad pain high in my stomach over the last couple weeks. Usually it would only last about five minutes and then go away. This last time that it happened scared me. The really bad pain, the kind that had me gasping for air, lasted for a good two hours or so, and then it was a very uncomfortable pain for several hours after that. Apparently this particular night in the ER was a busy one. Once they determined I wasn't going to die, they had me waiting for a room....and waiting....and waiting. After a few hours we were finally taken back beyond the automatic doors, not to a room, but to a teeny bed and armless chair, shoved up against the wall in the hallway. If it weren't for the pain I think I would have enjoyed all the action and drama going on around us. It was seriously akin to the tv show, "ER". Complete with the guy yelling in agonizing pain at the end of the hall and the crazy mother screaming about the injustice of not having anyone at the hospital to watch her children while she gets treated for her bruises from the abusive man in her life. Craziness. While in the hallway they ran a few tests, drew some blood, and had me pee in a cup. Luckily I had a bathroom for that last thing. I don't even remember the last time I stayed up all night. In college it was a regular habit. It has literally taken me all week to feel human again. Granted, I am pregnant, but things like this just remind me that I am definitely getting older! We told the attending dr that we were concerned for the baby, so after all the tests came back fine and they said everything was fine, they offered to do an ultrasound just to check on the baby's movement and heartbeat. Everything was fine there, too. They diagnosed me with GastroEsophageal Reflux Disease, or GERD. I just have to be careful to not lie down after eating and pay attention to which foods affect me more than others, and they gave me a prescription for Prev Acid. So that was the exciting kick off to our week.

Now, we are very anxiously looking forward to finding out the sex of this little munchkin! We find out on Monday afternoon and we REALLY can't wait!!

yikes

prego pic update and stuff

16 weeks. Almost halfway there! I am definitely enjoying pregnancy so far. Especially since my doctor gave me some nausea medicine. That has helped immensely. I have really enjoyed following the development of the baby week by week. The process is so completely amazing!

I've been a little homesick lately. Homesick for family and just for the northeast part of the country where I grew up. I feel like Nashville tries really hard to have a fall season but it just doesn't even come close to the falls of PA and MD. Then there's the whole baby thing. Something I would love to be sharing with family and as much as we try through pictures it just isn't the same. I never thought I would be one of those people who had to live near family. I mean, I love my family, but growing up I never had a problem with going away for a while and experiencing new things. The longer we live here, though, I wonder. The difference between when I was growing up and now is, I always went back. We go and visit when we can now, but I'm finding it's not nearly enough!

Josh and I are going to check out the midwife wing at the Vanderbilt Hospital on Tuesday. I already know what I want my birthing process to be like, which makes me think we will be switching our care to a midwife even before we've talked to them, but I am trying not to make up my mind before weighing both options fully.

I feel like this post is all over the place, but, it's my blog, so it's okay, right? =)

sigh

Getting a little tired of all the prenancy updates that tell me "hello second trimester, goodbye morning sickness!" Ugh.

thank goodness

Thank goodness for in laws who get you a working toilet for the downstairs bathroom so you don't have to make the dreaded trip upstairs EVERY SINGLE NIGHT!!

13 weeks

I think my mom is convinced I'm having twins.

blanking on a title

I think these cartoons are so funny. I'm not quite to this point yet. So far I have still lost more weight than I've gained due to the sickness, but I am now on the upward swing of things. I think a maternity shopping trip is not too far in the distant future. Oh, and as far as the doctor could tell 4 weeks ago, there's only one baby in there. =)

11 weeks

Well here it is, the start of the ever popular baby bump pictures. Almost through the first trimester. I still can't believe it. This last month has been the longest ever. I'm sick ALL the time. I'm just praying the second trimester will prove to be easier like everyone says it will be.

Josh and I have been going through boxes and clothes all day getting ready for our yard sale next weekend. We are going on a selling spree to try to raise money to get our car fixed and do some things on the house. Yay!

too true

is it real?

Sometimes I still wonder if the doctor got it right. Maybe I should go to my family doctor and make sure I don't have a really long case of the flu? I guess it comes from wanting something for so long, then desensitizing myself to it so that it didn't hurt as much. I think I told myself it WASN'T going to happen so many times so that I could get myself used to the idea if it never did happen. I've done that my whole life. Expect things not to go the way you want, that way when they don't, you're not disappointed and if they do, well, you're pleasantly surprised. I can't say I've ever done that with anything this big before, though. Usually it was expect a low grade on a test I took or tell myself there's no way I would get what I really wanted for Christmas. I am looking forward to when I have more evidence of being pregnant than the uneasy feeling in my stomach!

Sometimes I try to figure God out (I don't know that I have EVER succeeded at this). I think, why now? Why not earlier? Why not later (thank God it's not later!)? I could go round and round with myself as to why God may have kept us from getting pregnant until now. I really don't know if I will ever know for sure. But, as much as I want everything to make sense and have purpose and order, sometimes God just doesn't give us that. He wants us to trust Him, and I think that if we knew the reason to everything, it would be easier not to do that. I am thankful. While I am hurling into a bucket or buying stock in Saltine crackers, I am thankful! He has truly given us the desire of our heart and while it's what I've wanted more than anything, I know I don't deserve it.

Baby Baby Baby!

I didn't believe the nurse when she confirmed that yes, I was pregnant! In fact, I asked her three times if she was for real, then I couldn't stop crying. Finally!! God is faithful! Josh and I are so excited to be parents! I have been feeling sick for a good month. I thought it was my medicine, b/c it usually makes me sick for a couple weeks when I start taking it. But, since I had been feeling like this for a while, I decided maybe I should go to my family doctor and see what was up. I made the appointment, then I thought, I better take a pregnancy test, b/c I know the doctor is going to ask if I did that, so I might as well rule it out. After two years of disappointment, I had started doing everything I could to protect myself from that pain, so I just kept telling myself that there was no way I was pregnant, it just wasn't possible. I took 3 tests, and all were very faintly positive. I still didn't let myself believe that I could be pregnant. However I did cancel the appointment and made a new appointment with my "baby doctor". The doctor did a sonogram and said that everything looks perfect. I am 8 weeks, and he estimated my due date to be around April 6th. I am so full of joy and just ecstatic that this is happening! I want to thank everyone that has been praying for me (don't stop now!) b/c your encouragement and your prayers have really been a light during this time. Josh is so cute. He likes to pat my belly and tell me that he loves both of us. =) I just know he's going to be an awesome daddy! Oh, and the shirt I have on in the picture is one that he bought for me to wear while visiting family, to see if they would catch on. They didn't until I put the sonogram picture in the middle of the table, but oh well! =) We have had so much fun telling our family and friends the good news. Everyone is just so happy for us and there are usually a lot of happy tears that fall. I'm off to veg on the couch now b/c I am SO tired!!! =)

heart talk

This post is a long time coming. Like every time, I procrastinated in getting it up here b/c of the constant struggle I have with sharing.

I am plugging along with the infertility issues. I think that I have gone through more emotions with God in the last several months than I have in my whole lifetime. I've been angry, hurt, depressed, amazed, joyful, and so much more. It has been and continues to be the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Being a mother has not only been what I have always wanted,it's the only thing I've ever been absolutely sure about. Even though I haven't yet had kids, I almost feel like I already am a mother, as weird as that sounds. So to be presented with the possibility that I might not be who I always thought I was, is quite a life shattering revelation. When I finally faced up to the possibility that I may never have my own children, it was a very, very dark day. All of a sudden my future looked bleak and I wasn't sure I really wanted it anymore. Ever since that day, I have been looking forward to the day when I move past this, when I can look back on this trial and empathetically share it with someone else who is going through something similar. When I can look at my child and smile, thinking about the pain that brought me to this place.

That's when the next wall hit. I realized that this pain may never go away. Never. In a conversation I had with a friend who went through the same trial of infertility, she told me that for her, the pain has never gone away. She has a baby girl now and she said that obviously she is happier than ever, but when she has conversations like these, it brings her right back into the middle of the pain and she remembers it and experiences it like she never left it. At that point I thought, okay, so the pain may never leave, so I guess I need to get to the point where I'm okay with that. How in the world do you come to the point where you say, Yes, I understand that this thing that I have always wanted, this thing that not having it causes more pain than ever, may never be in my grasp. I may always wish for something I can never have for the rest of my days. I understand this, and it's okay. Wow!! I actually came to a point where I told God that He may be telling me that I need to get to that place, but I didn't want to get there. Ever. I don't give up easily, and I never have. And to come to the point where I'm okay with the fact that this may never happen for me felt like I was giving up. I think that I am finally coming to the point where I am searching God and willing to "work it out" with Him.

I am realizing that letting go is not giving up. One of my previous posts was a verse, Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." This is the verse that I have been claiming in the last couple weeks. I have been in contact with a very dear friend who has been such a gift. We both are going through this time and while I know we both would love to see the other be blessed with a child, it is comforting to know that someone else is experiencing this hurt too. It's good to know I am not alone, and it's good to know there is someone praying for me who knows exactly how I feel. She said something to me in an email that really encouraged me. Rather than butchering her words I will post her words here, with the use my friends, Copy and Paste...

When you look at the verse (Jeremiah 29:11) in context, the Lord gives them (Israel) a series of commands in vv. 5-7 that seem kinda ridiculous. Build houses, plant gardens, eat, marry, have chldren and grandchildren, pray for Babylon.

Pray for Babylon? Why? "For in its welfare, you will have welfare," He says. These people were under a death sentence. They'd be in captivity for 70 years - none who were alive at the time would see Jerusalem again. But He said, "I have plans...for your welfare." I, like them, probably, often think that my welfare will happen when I'm on the *other* side of the trial, when it's over, when I'm out of captivity and back in Jerusalem. But not according to this passage. The Lord's plans for their welfare start NOW, while they're IN Babylon.

We don't have to define God's goodness as after we're finally fertile and pregnant and a new life is growing in us. God's goodness, because He IS goodness, doesn't stop and start. He just IS good, all the time. And His plans for our welfare INCLUDE the "captivity" of infertility...if we will just see it with new eyes.

Not that infertility isn't painful. Of course it is. I battle the rising hope every day that maybe, just maybe, it'll happen on the first try. I'm sure it won't, but what if...? But God is still good right now. Even if I can't see it, I know it's true, and I have to trust in that."

I have been yearning for the time that God will bring me out of this b/c then His blessings for me can continue, but that was totally the wrong perspective. He has a perfect plan for my life, and that plan includes this trial. I don't have to just "get through" this trial to learn what I need to learn. His timing is perfect and good, His plan for me is perfect and good. His plan for me is not to harm me, but to prosper me, to give me hope...HOPE! and a future. God is good, and He always keeps His promises. He does not promise that it won't hurt. Things on this earth are twisted, difficult, and hurt like hell, but we do have hope.

Despair is such a vise. When I'm in it I don't think I can ever possibly be joyful. But I can! I can claim God's promise that He will never leave me, that He knows my hurt. To quote my sweet friend again,

Grief doesn't equal a lack of acceptance of God's plan, either. This is something that only works in God's economy: you can cry and still be joyful. Obviously not happy, but joy isn't happiness.

So, through the tears, through month after month of not conceiving, I will be joyful. I choose to be joyful, because my God is bigger than infertility. I will serve Him with my broken self, because that is the way He wants me to come to Him. Just as I am.

baby update

Okay so I know there is a better title out there for this blog but I can't for the life of me think of it at this moment. So, for now it will be "baby update". I guess a more correct title could be "lack of baby update", but that's a little depressing.

I have been thinking about writing this blog for a few weeks and just couldn't seem to do it. I want to keep sharing about my struggles and triumphs in this journey that Josh and I are on to become parents. It's just such a hard thing for me to do. I could write on and on and on about senseless drivel but when it comes to putting the contents of my heart out there to be availabe at the click of a button well, it's just a little, shall we say, terrifying to me. If you are new to my blog, you can catch up on my story here.

So I have been feeling the need to write an update, and have been avoiding it for the reason I just stated. I'm not even sure what to say. I guess I will start with the facts. Those are safer than feelings. =)

I am on my third round of Clomid, hoping and praying that it works. =) Okay, sooo, that was fast. I guess there's nowhere to go now but on to the feelings. I am trying so very hard to trust God, because I am still not to the point of understanding the why of it all. It really is such a roller coaster ride of emotions. There are good days, there are bad days, and then there are days where I just coast through, purposefully emotionless. On the good days I am trusting God and placing all of my hope in Him and excited about where this journey is taking me. On the bad days it's all I can do to keep from crying at every little thing, and it seems to happen on these particular days I find out that friend #582 is pregnant...and oh! they weren't even trying. Just kidding, I don't even have 582 friends. It's on those days that all I can think about is how unfair it all is. Then there are the "coasting" days. These are the days where I force myself not to think about it at all. I fill my quiet moments with something, anything. I surf on the internet for anything and everything I ever wanted to know. I just keep my mind busy, because I'm sick and tired of having the bad days and I know if I allowed myself, those "coasting" days would become the bad days.

So all that to say....I'm not really sure. I guess just to keep ya'll updated and let you know that nothing has really changed so far, and I'm doing my absolute best to lean on God to get through it! Thanks for your prayers! They are very much appreciated!

correction

I just wanted to put up a little disclaimer. There is a paragraph in my blog I wrote, in wake up call that may have been misconstrued.

"It is a running joke in my family that we are not a people of communication. It is not uncommon for me to find out some major health issue one of my family members incurred two or three weeks ago. I can go months and months without talking to any of my family and not think twice about it. If it weren't for the unending avenues of the internet and family websites, I would know zilch as to what's going on in their lives. The in laws in my family have been baffled (and gracious) as one by one they have been introduced to this crazy phenomenon, and each has had to adjust in their own way to "go with the flow", while not going crazy trying to figure us out. If you don't understand how we can be this way, you might want to quit trying b/c I'm not totally sure I understand it either."

It was pointed out to me that I could be comparing my family with Josh's family, and that it painted the picture that I preferred his family over mine. This is not at all what I intended!!!! I was simply talking about my awesome sisters in law that have married my brothers. Marrying into a family is an adjustment, to say the least. There are always adjustments you have to make, and the way that my family communicates with each other was one of those adjustments.

I'm so sorry if anyone was hurt by my inability to say what I was saying more clearly! I love you all SO much!!!!

wake up call

So Josh and I have been living in Nashville now for 10 months. Before moving over 700 miles from family and friends, plucking ourselves out of the familiar and landing way outside our comfort zone, I knew it would be difficult. Maybe I underestimated exactly how difficult, however. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying we don't like it here, and I'm not saying we want to leave. In fact, we've bought a house! More on that in another post.

I am going to share something on this post that is very hard to share, but I feel strongly that it's very necessary. I'm about to be very vulnerable here, so...be kind! I have been dealing with something this week that has taken me to a deep, dark place. The kind of place you don't want to be, ever. I fell into a despair that made me feel like I just wanted to quit. I just wanted to give up on everything. Yet, while I felt this way, I couldn't figure out the source of these feelings. Sure, I've moved out of state, far away from everything I love (except my wonderful hubby!), started a brand new job, and frankly, living life the hard way just like pretty much everyone else. What I was feeling, however, went deeper than social anxiety or the bills we weren't sure how to pay. On Monday, I stayed home from work. I just couldn't face the day. I wanted to stay home and wallow, cry out to God, and just try to figure myself out. Step one I mastered quite well. Seriously, my Oscar-worthy wallowing would impress you. Step two found me figuratively slamming my head into a brick wall over and over again. I didn't know why, but I didn't want to talk to God, I couldn't. I was hurt, I was confused, and yes, even angry.

For the past three weeks our pastor has been addressing the issue of suffering. Let me just take a small rabbit trail here and tell you that Josh and I absolutely love our church! God has totally directed us to this church and these people. I have never witnessed such raw authenticity in a group of God's people before now. We have also recently started to plug ourselves into a "new partners village". The villages are our small groups. The new partners villages are for those who are pretty new to the church and looking to pursue a membership, or a partnership, with the church and looking to live life with these people. That said, God has been doing a work in me. I didn't realize it, but He was using the combination of this series on suffering and our discussion at our village to force me to look into myself. The biggest realization I came to this week is that I have not done that in a long time. I think there are a couple things in my life that have contributed to developing me into this kind of person.

It is a running joke in my family that we are not a people of communication. It is not uncommon for me to find out some major health issue one of my family members incurred two or three weeks ago. I can go months and months without talking to any of my family and not think twice about it. If it weren't for the unending avenues of the internet and family websites, I would know zilch as to what's going on in their lives. The in laws in my family have been baffled (and gracious) as one by one they have been introduced to this crazy phenomenon, and each has had to adjust in their own way to "go with the flow", while not going crazy trying to figure us out. If you don't understand how we can be this way, you might want to quit trying b/c I'm not totally sure I understand it either.

What I do understand, is that I have created in myself an unhealthy method of processing the not-so-nice things in life. As in, I don't. When pain hits, I take it, file it away in the back of my mind with all the other "stuff I don't deal with", and move on. I had started to communicate with myself the same way I communicated with my family. I wasn't. When I would have the fleeting thought of hmm, maybe I should try to deal with this. I would come right back with, naah, I'm fine. It's not a big deal. I just wasn't being honest with myself about how I felt.

Josh and I will be celebrating our fourth year anniversary this summer. Almost two years ago, we decided that we were ready to embark on that crazy life-changing adventure of becoming parents. I quit taking birth control, and well, ya'll know the truth about the birds and the bees so.....anyways......after several months I knew something was wrong. I was not pregnant, and had stopped having a monthly cycle. I went to a doctor and he diagnosed me with having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. He told me I needed to eat right, exercise, and take a drug called Metformin. The Metformin took effect after several weeks. Though it made me sick as a dog at first, I finally started a regular cycle again. Then....enter a minor life-changing event....Josh and I picked up and moved over 700 miles away from home and started a new adventure and a new life in Nashville. My Metformin ran out, and it was time to start the obgyn search and get the new insurance and all that fun stuff. I finally met with my new doctor. LOVED him!!! He made me feel very secure and was more comforting and had better answers than "eat right and exercise". I left his office, armed with a new Metformin prescription and a renewed sense of hope. Three months later, my job informs me that they will be dropping my insurance carrier and picking up a new one, but that most of the doctors on this insurance accept both kinds....mine didn't. Starting over once more...new doctor, explaining my story again, another prescription - this time a fertility drug in combination with the Metformin.

Can you say, stressed? All my life, the one and only thing I have wanted, is to be a wife and mom. I still don't know what I want my major to be in college - and I graduated six years ago. There are things I enjoy doing, hobbies I have, but I have never had the hunger to pursue a certain career. I don't thrive on going to work every day. I even won a college scholarship for writing a paper on how I would use my college experience to help me in my life after college as a wife and mother.

For these last almost two years, I have been taking the infertility issues in stride. I've been telling myself all the right things. "God knows best....It's all in God's time....This is happening for a reason....God sees the big picture." While these things are all very true, I wasn't allowing myself to experience the hurt. I had the hurt - that came with the situation. But I wasn't allowing myself to feel it, and it was just building up. I think that part of the reason I wasn't allowing myself to feel it, was b/c I then would have to face the fact that I wasn't exactly happy with this path that God has chosen for me. Over the years I had somehow gotten this idea that one should not be angry at God. God knows best, after all. Or, if one does get angry at God, one better repent super-quick b/c to be angry at God is pretty much the unpardonable sin. In my case, my anger prevented me from even talking to God, b/c it was almost like I was scared He would smite me down for it. I've realized that it is okay to feel anger. It is okay to feel hurt. It is okay to feel. In fact, it's the only way to heal.

God has definitely been speaking into my life through this experience. He has directed Josh and I to this specific village at our church so that we would meet very specific people. I will tell you when it first started becoming clear to me that God was orchestrating every move:

Even though we have yet to get pregnant, Josh and I have discussed different names that we like/dislike. Finding a name we both agree on has become quite the feat. I would bring up a name I like, and Josh would shoot it down. Josh would bring up a name he likes, and I tell him there's no way I would even name a dog that. One day, we were driving in the car, and we heard a name in a song we were listening to. All of a sudden it hit me how much I loved the name. I turned to Josh, "What about _____?"

He didn't skip a beat, "As a name for our kid?"

It's not a common name, and I could tell right away he didn't hate it. "Yeah."

"I love it."

This conversation took place several months ago. Now fast forward to three weeks ago, our first new partners village meeting, and we were meeting our hosts at their house. We were in their kitchen, munching cookies and veggies amongst the chaos of people arriving and greeting each other. Our host was cleaning up her baby from dinner and getting her ready to go upstairs with the babysitter. She introduced us to her baby, this baby with the same exact "uncommon" name that we had chosen for our future daughter. On top of that, she has my middle name, Joy. I thought this was a pleasant and unique coincidence. Then the next words out of her mouth almost put me on the floor: "We tried for nine years to get pregnant before we had her."

This was no coincidence. God was already setting things into motion for me to heal, way before I even knew I needed it.

I have since been able to talk with this new sister and in sharing these feelings and hurt with someone who knows exactly where I'm coming from has given me such a sense of freedom. I can already feel the layers of the wall of false protection I've built coming down. Sharing this story with you all is also a part of my healing process. Keeping things to myself has become a vise, and something I need to overcome. Josh and I are both realizing more and more that we need people. We need brothers and sisters that we can lean on and walk through this life with. Thanks for reading my story. I hope it wasn't too scattered. I pray that you will see God's touch in your life. No matter where you are on your journey, I pray that you will see God meeting you where you are, and that you have, or will seek out brothers and sisters that you can share your walk with.

Thank you, God, for not giving up on me. Thank you for letting me hurt. Thank you for your hope, and thank you for your healing power.