Battle of the Mind today: See who won

Photo Credit and AWESOME post!!

A stream of thoughts that went through my head on my run this morning at any given time between 5:15 and 5:50 am:

Oh my gosh I've never been this tired.

Yes you have, that's stupid.

Man, I really am tired though.

Just get through this - then go to bed early for once tonight.

Gosh I'm slow.  I'm barely jogging, really.

But you're moving.

Might as well be walking.

Just keep it above a walk.  You can do this.

Seriously though, I might as well be walking.

Don't you dare.

Holy cow I've only done two laps?  I feel like I should be done by now!

Don't look at your phone.  Don't look at your phone. Just run. Don't worry about time today.

Wish I didn't have to carry it.....wait, what is this?.......there's a pocket in these pants for my phone?  GET. OUT!  My pants just got a whole lot cooler.  I have cool pants.

My race is going to kill me on Saturday, I can't believe it's been so long since I've been out here.

Your race will only make you stronger, and prove that you haven't lost as much traction as you thought.

Yeah, but I'm going to DIE.

That's dumb, you will not.

Seriously though, there's hills.  My last races didn't have hills.  I'm doomed.

Worst that will happen is you have to walk some of it.

I don't want to walk some of it.  I want to run the whole thing.

Yeah, but if you *have* to walk..

I'm not walking.

I can do this.  I know I can do this.  I KNOW I can do this!  I'm DOING this!!

The battle of the mind is REAL!  I may have thrown some funny stuff in there because, well, that really is how my mind goes but in all seriousness, I don't think people give enough credit to the strength and power that their mind holds.

One of my favorite quotes that I think I've posted here before is, 

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't - you are right." -Henry Ford

What we tell ourselves is extremely important.  Make sure it's positive.  Positivity breeds success.  And I think we all would like some of that.  :)

Why a girl called me pregnant and why I didn't punch her in the face

This morning as I was lapping my neighborhood at 5:30 am, the mental war that was waging was even more intense than usual.  I kept thinking about how if I was in this same physical situation ten years ago I would bounce back in no less than a couple weeks.  I'm older now.  My muscles take longer to recover.  I'm bigger.  My body feels different.  My frame of balance is not what it used to be.  And it's hard.  So hard.  Then the defeat started sinking in.  Why not quit?  Not forever, just for today.  Just quit.  Stop running.  Walk back home.  Who cares?  Who freaking cares.

I do.

Because giving in just this once starts a downward spiral that I have sworn to never fall into again.  Because quitting today means a reason to quit tomorrow.

Everyone goes through it.  You start something new, be it a new exercise regimen, a new diet, a new habit, etc.  You start out all fired up and nothing can stop you.  Then hard days start to creep in here and there.  All of a sudden you don't feel so strong or sure of yourself.  You start questioning your reasons for starting in the first place and whether or not it's really that worth it.

Then it hit.  A memory.  One I had pushed aside soon after it happened because I had deemed it unworthy to ponder (and rightly so).  This memory was the final blow.  As I was forcing one foot in front of the other over and over again, I remembered something.

It was my first 5k, almost exactly three months ago.  I was happy.  I was determined.  I was a little nervous.  I was about halfway through the course, huffing and puffing my way along at a much faster speed than I had ever done in my preparation for this race.  I was proud of myself.  I was excited, and yet very close to tears (happy ones) as I thought about what I was doing and what it meant for not only me, but also my family.

There were two girls in front of me, running at a slightly slower pace than I was, so I decided to run around them.  Just as I got to about 2-3 paces ahead, I overheard the one girl tell the other,

"See?  It's when I see someone like that who is pregnant and doing this race that it gives me hope that I won't ever have to quit!"

I looked around.  There were women of all shapes and sizes joining me in this race, but at this particular moment in time (of course) not one single girl around me was higher than a size 5.

It was me.  I was the "pregnant (one) doing this race and giving her hope that she won't ever have to quit".  Awesome.  Glad I could help.

The comment really didn't bother me at the time.  I knew it was true.  I knew to someone that didn't know any better I looked to be about 4-5 months pregnant.  That's part of the reason I was out here.  I wanted to change.  I wanted my pre-baby body back.  So that was it.  I didn't even turn around.  I let it slide right off and hardly blinked an eye.

But that comment didn't go away.  It was filed deep into my brain so that on really hard days when I can barely push on it can come back to haunt me.  Or fuel me.

Today it haunted...AND fueled.

After I was finished feeling sorry for myself I revisited all the reasons why I was doing this in the first place and came to the conclusion that YES, it is most definitely worth it.

There are hard days.  Days where I can barely move faster than a walk.  Days where nothing I wear fits right.  Days where a complete stranger makes wrong assumptions about me.  Days where the pain and hurt force out the joy and triumph.  These hard days, I have found, are absolutely worth it.

Because for all the hard days, there are also good, excellent, AMAZING days!  The days where I blow my own best out of the water.  The days when I can keep up with my kids without stopping to rest.  The days where I feel good about myself and what I am teaching my kids through my own trials and victories.

So to the girl who thought I was pregnant, I thank you.  May you never quit.  May whatever comments that come back to haunt you on your hard days never get the best of you.  May they fuel your fire to keep going, to never give up.

The Countdown Begins

In a mere 41 hours I will have started my first 5k.

I'm excited.

I'm nervous.

I already have to pee every 5 minutes.

I mentioned before that this is a Mother's Day Run.  There was a time where I struggled with the realization that I may never be a mother.  Something I have always known I wanted to be.

This run represents never forgetting that time in my life.  It celebrates the three little rugrats that are now in my life.  It is the start of my journey to health and hopefully many more 5ks to come.  It is about meeting a goal, striving to be better and stronger.

It is all of these things and more.

So, as I go out now on my last run before race day, I am more than grateful.

And I think I have to pee again....

Week 7: Giving Up

I'm going to give up.

Then I think about how far I've come.

I can't run very fast.

Then I remember that I AM running.

I only lost one pound last week, and gained a pound the week before.

Then I realize I'm still 9 pounds lighter than when I started.

I have a health condition that makes it harder to lose weight.

Then I am thankful that this condition is manageable and I am not the only one who has it.

What we tell ourselves has more impact than we realize.  When you are chasing after a goal, or a dream, tell yourself the things you would tell someone else if they were walking in your shoes.  It is very easy to let your own negative messages take over when you are struggling through a rough patch.  For every negative thing you catch yourself thinking, follow it up with a positive thought.  I didn't get to this point by allowing my fears and my negativity to rule my mind.  Our minds are way more powerful than we realize.  Once you learn to control your own mind, you will be unstoppable.

Weeks 5-6: finding what works

I can't believe week 5 has come and gone and I am cruising through week 6 already!  Physically speaking, last week was a good week!  My runs felt great.  Two of the days I even ran for 20 minutes without stopping to walk.  That is the longest I've gone so far.  There were other obstacles to overcome, however.  The biggest one being my schedule.  See, our basement is gym slash toy room slash studio slash craft room slash guest bedroom.  Also, my usual wake up is 5:15am.  So, when Grandma came to visit, I decided that a 5:15 am wake up call to thudding, huffing and puffing, was not the most hospitable thing I could do.  It worked out fine, because I was just able to sleep in a little and then run during the kids' nap time, but I realized early on that this was not what I wanted for my normal work out.

When I first started five and a half weeks ago, the first full week of attempting to wake up early was a complete fail.  I just couldn't convince myself to shake off the sleep and do it.  This resulted in me doing my run during the kids' nap time, which would be fine...if all three buggers actually slept during nap time.  My soon to be five year old hasn't taken a regular nap in almost a year, and my three and a half year old just recently started nixing his own nap time.  I still make them have "quiet time", which is at least 30 minutes of quiet activity in their own room.  Perfect time for me to run, right?  Well, it would be, if my girl didn't need to come out of her room and down the stairs for "a certain book", or "a drink of water" or "my good crayons".  It's always something.  And the boy is curious.  He hears the girl's door open and then he needs to see what's going on.  Long story short, that first week I was finding it very difficult to finish a run without stopping to be on "mommy duty" or to try and have a conversation while at the height of exertion (I am so not a social runner!) while my girl asked me 20 million questions.  Instead of feeling relaxed and rejuvenated after a good work out I was just as stressed, annoyed, and in an overall bad mood.  It was clear it wasn't working out.  I needed this time to be alone.  So, after a few days of this realization setting in, I was finally able to get my butt up out of bed before the sun came up.  And it was the best thing I ever could have done for myself at the beginning of this journey.

Are you stuck?  Do you find that you really want to start a workout regimen, but you can't quite figure out how to get it done?  

Try it one way for a bit and if that doesn't work out, try another way.  Don't keep trying to establish a routine that doesn't really jive with your schedule.  

Also, try to always use the word "jive" in some way.  It's awesome.  

If you try to force a routine that doesn't work for you, you will continue to dread it and thus set yourself up for failure before you've even begun.  Give it a week.  If it's not working out, switch it up.  Keep trying till you find something that works for you.  Jon Acuff wrote a post the other day called How I work: 6 tips to getting up early.  The whole post was good, but one point really resonated with me.  His number 3 was to do something fun in the morning.  He said don't try to do something you hate because that will just give you more reason to not get up.  

So don't try to force a routine on yourself that makes you miserable.  It will just give you more reason to not start.

I am not a morning person.  I never have been.  

But I love to run, and I love having some time to myself to think and to read.  I love having some calm before the storm of chaos that usually surrounds living life with three very messy and energetic little people.

So for that, I can get up.  

Figure out what works, then do it!

Week 3 And The Power Of The Mind

Source

I've been thinking a lot lately about the power of the mind.  What we tell ourselves will be what we believe and will directly affect the outcome.

Today is Day 2 of week 3 on my journey.  Up to this point I have been feeling great, unstoppable.  But this morning when the alarm woke me at 5:30, I wanted nothing more than to crawl back under the covers and pretend I didn't hear it.

I stood in my closet, looking at my pile of work out attire that I had pulled the night before, waging a mental war.

I didn't sleep good last night.  Sleep is so important to good health!  I really should go back to bed since it's better for my health.

Don't do it.  Just get dressed.  You need this.

Is that a stomach ache?  I probably won't feel good all day if I get up now.  I will feel sick if I don't go back to bed.  Just one more hour.

You've pushed yourself through a heck of a lot more than a mere stomach ache.  You played a full tilt basketball game with the flu (true story).  You can do this.  You have to do this.  You need this.  

Yeah but that was forever ago.  I'm so much older now.

That's a dumb excuse and you know it.  You need this.  You will be better for it.  You will be happy you did it.  No more excuses; no more delay.

I got dressed.

I ran.

And guess what?  I may be a little tired, but I don't have a stomach ache.  In fact, I feel pretty good.  And more importantly, I had a victory today.  My body wanted to phone it in.  And I wouldn't let it.

What we tell ourselves matters.  We know ourselves best, after all.

So if your mental mantra is not helping you, change it.  Tell yourself you can do it.

Because you CAN do it.  Your body will do what you will it to do.  It doesn't have a choice.  So make the better choice.  You will be so glad you did!

fake niceties vs. keepin it real

I threw up a very informal survey on my Facebook status: "which is worse/better: fake niceties or keepin it real?" I was very intrigued by the response that followed. It's a question I've been pondering off and on for almost two years now. Casually at first, but recently it's been on my mind pretty consistently. I like to think of myself as pretty straight forward. So when various answers on my status started reinterpreting my terms, it got a little crazy for my brain, but the points that were made were worth making.

I am also one to consider the reasons behind people's actions. My brother could tell you why I'm like that but if I start going into personality types I'll get distracted, so I will stick to my point. Hopefully. So we know that some people like to "fake it til ya make it" and some like to "tell you like it is". Most of us can instantly claim which one we naturally fall into. So, the question that immediately comes to my mind is, why? Is it geographical? Is it a personality? Is it due to upbringing? Culture? Does God really care, one way or the other?

I will tell you, my knee-jerk reaction to this question would be, "keep it real!". I would much rather someone tell me what they are really thinking than to have someone butter me up with empty words. Or to say something out of habit rather than out of sincerity. For example, it's happened on many occasion where I am sitting at my desk and someone is on their way by and says, "Hey Susan how are you?" Nice, right? Except that by the time I look up from my desk (approx .3 seconds later) to give an answer, the person has already moved on, nowhere to be found. They really didn't care if I was well or not, they just threw it out there "to be nice". Another example, to borrow from my husband, is the crazy-eyed hopeful at the American Idol try-outs who swears up and down that they can sing because everyone they know - family, friends - have told them that they are the best thing out there and sound exactly like Josh Groban or Kelly Clarkson. Then when they open their mouth you wonder if this was really the same person who was just telling you of their amazing talent. Definitely a product of fake niceties. Of course, depending on how you interpret the terms, you may agree or you may disagree. For instance, to me "keep it real" doesn't mean that I totally abandon all tact and just spout off everything that's in my head. (yikes!) It simply means that I don't say things I don't feel or know to be false for the sole purpose of buttering the other person up, or to "keep the peace". We all know the saying, 'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'. This is a good one to keep in mind, but obviously can't apply to all situations. But anyway, just something that was on my mind.

stubborn? who me?

Battle of the wills. My mom and I had several of these growing up. Some call it stubborness, I call it determination. =) Ah, who am I kidding, I'm stubborn. I know it. I know this links in to my personality type somehow, but one of the things I'm realizing about myself is that once I set my mind on something, that's the way it is, and I can't/won't change it. I don't think that I am purposefully being stubborn, (most of the time=) it just doesn't occur to me that I may be okay with changing my mind. When someone makes a suggestion that would incur a change to my mind, I immediately turn it down. Why? Because that's not what I want and I've already made up my mind. Sometimes I think I choose to stick to something for the sake of sticking to it rather than b/c it's what I want. Choosing to stick to something I want is not bad, I just need to remember that it's okay to consider other options.

is it real?

Sometimes I still wonder if the doctor got it right. Maybe I should go to my family doctor and make sure I don't have a really long case of the flu? I guess it comes from wanting something for so long, then desensitizing myself to it so that it didn't hurt as much. I think I told myself it WASN'T going to happen so many times so that I could get myself used to the idea if it never did happen. I've done that my whole life. Expect things not to go the way you want, that way when they don't, you're not disappointed and if they do, well, you're pleasantly surprised. I can't say I've ever done that with anything this big before, though. Usually it was expect a low grade on a test I took or tell myself there's no way I would get what I really wanted for Christmas. I am looking forward to when I have more evidence of being pregnant than the uneasy feeling in my stomach!

Sometimes I try to figure God out (I don't know that I have EVER succeeded at this). I think, why now? Why not earlier? Why not later (thank God it's not later!)? I could go round and round with myself as to why God may have kept us from getting pregnant until now. I really don't know if I will ever know for sure. But, as much as I want everything to make sense and have purpose and order, sometimes God just doesn't give us that. He wants us to trust Him, and I think that if we knew the reason to everything, it would be easier not to do that. I am thankful. While I am hurling into a bucket or buying stock in Saltine crackers, I am thankful! He has truly given us the desire of our heart and while it's what I've wanted more than anything, I know I don't deserve it.

iwo who-a?

I woke up thinking about this and I just can't shake it this morning. If you haven't heard about the waters TIME has been stirring up, you can read about it here. Maybe it's because I was raised in a household with a strong sense of patriotism, maybe it's because I have a few family members related to the military, maybe it's because I have a low tolerance for disrespect, maybe it's because I love my God and my country and those close to me who have fought for the freedom of both. Maybe it's for all these reasons that I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the thinking process of this comparison. My initial reaction when I saw this: "What? You've got to be kidding me". Whether you see global warming as a valid threat or not, making this kind of statement seems ludicrous, and completely disrespectful.

Thanks, Pam, for bringing this to my attention.

i failed God today

I've been convicted recently that I need to be spending more quality time with God. Last night I thought that I would try to rise a little earlier this morning to do just that. Okay, those of you who know me well can stop laughing now. My normal morning routine consists of falling out of bed just in time to shower, get dressed, pack a lunch, and jet. So, I thought, maybe God and I could do a little tag-team. Lord, I really want to spend time with you. Will you please wake me up in time to do that? Just do whatever means necessary, aside from having Yahtzee (my cat) hurt me. Please don't let him hurt me, but just allow me to wake up in time to spend some time with You. On a regular day, my normal wake up time is 6ish. This morning Josh had to be here 15 minutes earlier, so I had set my alarm clock for 5:45. This is without the alotted time for said quality time.

My eyes opened at 5:18 am. No Yahtzee, no weird noises. They just opened.

Then I went back to sleep.

Augh! I hate mornings. Absolutely hate them. Or rather, I hate how it affects me.

When I was telling Josh about my shameful behavior this morning, our talk turned to the time and how we actually left the house when we needed to.

He said, We really need to leave at this time every day.

I looked at him, Then you need to help me get up b/c I have such a hard time!

He was quick with his retort, If God can't do it how can I?

This comment was made in jest, but he has a point. Not that God couldn't lift me up out of bed and shove me in the right direction every morning. I absolutely believe that He could. But maybe I need to rethink my strategy a bit...

thought of the day

If you have to take your hands off the machine to pull up and adjust your sleeveless top, you might have confused going to the Y with date night. You might as well just walk back and forth in front of the machines while showing some skin. You'll expend less energy, and you'll have served the same purpose. I mean, completely my personal opinion, of course.

consistency (the lack thereof)

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,

I am not consistent. As I take a step back and look at my life, I am a little discouraged at just how many areas of my life lack discipline and consistency. My workout schedule, my diet, quiet time with God, my prayerlife, keeping in touch with family and friends, housecleaning, being on time, and I am sure this list could go on and on the longer I sit here. Oh, and by the way, for those of you who keep up with Josh's blog, his post on laziness in no way spurred on this post. I think that God is doing a great work in our lives, separately and as a unit, and it's exciting to see how He points things out to us, before we even communicate it to each other! God, the masterful orchestrator. Marvelous.

As I've pondered this detrimental trait I've acquired, I realize that consistency is something that I greatly admire in another person. When I see someone else who has the gift of discipline in anything, no matter how big or small, I marvel at it and wish that I were that way. The verse above is what has been coming to my mind lately as I think about what I can do to change this about myself. In looking at a couple different translations you could swap out "endurance" with "perseverence", or "patience". Patience is a word I heard often while growing up. My parents knew the importance of this virtue and did their share of ingraining upon my head with it. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I hear it or strive to acquire it, it doesn't seem to get any easier to have it within my possession. The "I-want-what-I-want-and-I-want-it-now" society that we live in doesn't help. Failure to be consistent leads to discouragement which leads to giving up. This verse in Hebrews reminds me that even though I am constantly fighting the lack of consistency, I need to keep on keeping on. I may not have a perfect record. In reviewing it you will definitely see where I've fallen down and had to get up again......and again and again. But I guess that's the point. I do get up. That's the important part, and that's not giving up. That's keeping on.

why?

As human beings I think we all tend to have a curious nature. From the time we were small we have been asking the question, why? Anyone who spends any amount of time around a small child no doubt has been caught in the never-ending why game to the point of trying your best to get them occupied in something so they'll stop asking you why! One cannot live life without experiencing the deep desire to know why things are the way they are. The year 2001 saw many, many people asking why. Recently I have been struggling with this teeny, tiny question. There are so many things that have happened in the past year of my life (not all of them bad) that I don't understand. I believe that there are no coincidences. I am a child of God, and I know that He cares for me and has orchestrated my life the way that He sees fit. I approach Him with my decisions before they are made, and I make those decisions the way I think He wants me to make them. What do I do, then, when looking back these decisions have seemingly taken me to a place that is wrong or pointless? I have always been able to look back at difficult times in my life and see the reason for it, to realize that I am a better person, or that I am closer to God b/c of it....until recently. I've been talking it through with God quite a bit. Begging Him to just let me know why, so that I can understand. I just want to see the logic of it all. Then it hit me. The "why" game. When you have answered question after question for the child, does he suddenly stop and say, "No, I don't think so. I don't understand your answer." No, a child will accept your answers as fact..why? Because they trust you. They have faith that you are wiser, and therefore will have the answers. At most times, it is a blind faith. I just realized, I don't have that. I realized that while I am going back and forth with God, trying to get him to "justify" what I went through, I am not trusting Him fully. I don't have to understand. I desperately wantto understand, but I don't have to. If I understood everything about God then...He couldn't really be God, could he?

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isa 55:8,9

On another, yet related, note, I am always struggling with a lack of commitment in my time with God. Our pastor said a few things yesterday that struck me...

"When our lives are designed for comfort, they no longer bear the name of The Designer."

"When we take our eyes off Jesus and concentrate on our circumstances, we begin to drown." (speaking from the text where Peter walks on water out to Jesus)

The one that struck me the hardest was a quote that he borrowed from Dale Bruner: "Human extremity is the frequent meeting place with God."

So, I don't know why my life has taken a few detours, I may never know. What I do know, is that my "human extremity" has forced me to engage in quite a few conversations with my God and Creator, and that is enough.