Battle of the Mind today: See who won

Photo Credit and AWESOME post!!

A stream of thoughts that went through my head on my run this morning at any given time between 5:15 and 5:50 am:

Oh my gosh I've never been this tired.

Yes you have, that's stupid.

Man, I really am tired though.

Just get through this - then go to bed early for once tonight.

Gosh I'm slow.  I'm barely jogging, really.

But you're moving.

Might as well be walking.

Just keep it above a walk.  You can do this.

Seriously though, I might as well be walking.

Don't you dare.

Holy cow I've only done two laps?  I feel like I should be done by now!

Don't look at your phone.  Don't look at your phone. Just run. Don't worry about time today.

Wish I didn't have to carry it.....wait, what is this?.......there's a pocket in these pants for my phone?  GET. OUT!  My pants just got a whole lot cooler.  I have cool pants.

My race is going to kill me on Saturday, I can't believe it's been so long since I've been out here.

Your race will only make you stronger, and prove that you haven't lost as much traction as you thought.

Yeah, but I'm going to DIE.

That's dumb, you will not.

Seriously though, there's hills.  My last races didn't have hills.  I'm doomed.

Worst that will happen is you have to walk some of it.

I don't want to walk some of it.  I want to run the whole thing.

Yeah, but if you *have* to walk..

I'm not walking.

I can do this.  I know I can do this.  I KNOW I can do this!  I'm DOING this!!

The battle of the mind is REAL!  I may have thrown some funny stuff in there because, well, that really is how my mind goes but in all seriousness, I don't think people give enough credit to the strength and power that their mind holds.

One of my favorite quotes that I think I've posted here before is, 

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't - you are right." -Henry Ford

What we tell ourselves is extremely important.  Make sure it's positive.  Positivity breeds success.  And I think we all would like some of that.  :)

Why a girl called me pregnant and why I didn't punch her in the face

This morning as I was lapping my neighborhood at 5:30 am, the mental war that was waging was even more intense than usual.  I kept thinking about how if I was in this same physical situation ten years ago I would bounce back in no less than a couple weeks.  I'm older now.  My muscles take longer to recover.  I'm bigger.  My body feels different.  My frame of balance is not what it used to be.  And it's hard.  So hard.  Then the defeat started sinking in.  Why not quit?  Not forever, just for today.  Just quit.  Stop running.  Walk back home.  Who cares?  Who freaking cares.

I do.

Because giving in just this once starts a downward spiral that I have sworn to never fall into again.  Because quitting today means a reason to quit tomorrow.

Everyone goes through it.  You start something new, be it a new exercise regimen, a new diet, a new habit, etc.  You start out all fired up and nothing can stop you.  Then hard days start to creep in here and there.  All of a sudden you don't feel so strong or sure of yourself.  You start questioning your reasons for starting in the first place and whether or not it's really that worth it.

Then it hit.  A memory.  One I had pushed aside soon after it happened because I had deemed it unworthy to ponder (and rightly so).  This memory was the final blow.  As I was forcing one foot in front of the other over and over again, I remembered something.

It was my first 5k, almost exactly three months ago.  I was happy.  I was determined.  I was a little nervous.  I was about halfway through the course, huffing and puffing my way along at a much faster speed than I had ever done in my preparation for this race.  I was proud of myself.  I was excited, and yet very close to tears (happy ones) as I thought about what I was doing and what it meant for not only me, but also my family.

There were two girls in front of me, running at a slightly slower pace than I was, so I decided to run around them.  Just as I got to about 2-3 paces ahead, I overheard the one girl tell the other,

"See?  It's when I see someone like that who is pregnant and doing this race that it gives me hope that I won't ever have to quit!"

I looked around.  There were women of all shapes and sizes joining me in this race, but at this particular moment in time (of course) not one single girl around me was higher than a size 5.

It was me.  I was the "pregnant (one) doing this race and giving her hope that she won't ever have to quit".  Awesome.  Glad I could help.

The comment really didn't bother me at the time.  I knew it was true.  I knew to someone that didn't know any better I looked to be about 4-5 months pregnant.  That's part of the reason I was out here.  I wanted to change.  I wanted my pre-baby body back.  So that was it.  I didn't even turn around.  I let it slide right off and hardly blinked an eye.

But that comment didn't go away.  It was filed deep into my brain so that on really hard days when I can barely push on it can come back to haunt me.  Or fuel me.

Today it haunted...AND fueled.

After I was finished feeling sorry for myself I revisited all the reasons why I was doing this in the first place and came to the conclusion that YES, it is most definitely worth it.

There are hard days.  Days where I can barely move faster than a walk.  Days where nothing I wear fits right.  Days where a complete stranger makes wrong assumptions about me.  Days where the pain and hurt force out the joy and triumph.  These hard days, I have found, are absolutely worth it.

Because for all the hard days, there are also good, excellent, AMAZING days!  The days where I blow my own best out of the water.  The days when I can keep up with my kids without stopping to rest.  The days where I feel good about myself and what I am teaching my kids through my own trials and victories.

So to the girl who thought I was pregnant, I thank you.  May you never quit.  May whatever comments that come back to haunt you on your hard days never get the best of you.  May they fuel your fire to keep going, to never give up.

First 5k: Complete

Pre-race. Apprehensive. Excited. Nervous.

I did it!  While my family and friends never questioned my ability to meet this goal, I had my doubts.

I thought I would probably be walking half of it, throwing myself across the finish line dead last, after the awards were handed out and three quarters of everyone had gone home.

But that's not what happened.

I'm not really sure that I can adequately put into words what this experience has been.  I feel like I accomplished what I set out to do.  I feel like reaching the next goal is possible.  

I ran with 3,999 other women/girls today.  All with a goal.  All with a purpose.  All on their own, individual journey.

My Cheering Section

There are so many reasons why I run, but these three miracles are a huge part of it!

Finished!

I started out this race thinking if I can just finish in under an hour I would be happy.  I finished in 39:45.  One of the reasons I was worried is because I have done most of my training on the treadmill, which is a world of a different track than running outside.  I ran outside a handful of times the last two weeks before the race, attempting to adjust my body to outside running.  It didn't go very well for the most part.  It discouraged me more than anything except for maybe one or two days.  I ran around my neighborhood, which also has hills.  The course today was flat except for one hill.  I think that made the difference.

Next up?

The Color Run on May 31st!

I think I might be hooked.  I told Josh as we were getting in the car to come home that I think I just might be a runner for life.  

My post-run, Mother's Day roses - nothing ever smelled so sweet!

I feel like my running posts have hijacked my blog.  Hopefully we can get back to our regularly scheduled crafting program very soon!  I've been a little busy.  :)

The Countdown Begins

In a mere 41 hours I will have started my first 5k.

I'm excited.

I'm nervous.

I already have to pee every 5 minutes.

I mentioned before that this is a Mother's Day Run.  There was a time where I struggled with the realization that I may never be a mother.  Something I have always known I wanted to be.

This run represents never forgetting that time in my life.  It celebrates the three little rugrats that are now in my life.  It is the start of my journey to health and hopefully many more 5ks to come.  It is about meeting a goal, striving to be better and stronger.

It is all of these things and more.

So, as I go out now on my last run before race day, I am more than grateful.

And I think I have to pee again....

Remember This

Many times while I am running, I feel my legs working hard, how they burn, and at the end of my run, how they think they can't possibly go another step.

I feel how winded I am, how breathing in and out, while rhythmic, is tiring in and of itself.

I think about how this is hard.

I really do love it.  I love the burn and the sweat that tells me I am working hard.  I think there is a certain honor in giving something all you've got, in working hard towards a goal.

It's also in the midst of all of this that I think,

That piece of cake really wasn't worth it.  

It tasted good, yes.  Oh, did it ever taste good.  But if I am truly honest, the taste of that cake was not worth putting me backwards, however small of a step it may have been.  It just wasn't.

So why did I eat it?  

My goal over the next couple weeks is this:  When I am faced with a decision about food, 

I want to remember the burn, the sweat, the hard work.  

I want to remember what it feels like when I am in the midst of a run.  

I want to remember the feeling of thinking I can't go another step.  

I want to remember how hard it is at times to catch my breath.  

I want to remember how hard it is.  

I want to remember why I'm doing this.  

I want to remember that my kids are watching me.  

I want to remember that I have a choice.  

I want to make good decisions.

If I can remember all that, the decision to eat or not to eat should be an easy one.  

And with no remorse I can ditch the cake and grab an apple.  

Or nuts.

Or maybe make some eggs.

Mmmm, I have not had breakfast yet this morning.  Ciao.

Week 7: Giving Up

I'm going to give up.

Then I think about how far I've come.

I can't run very fast.

Then I remember that I AM running.

I only lost one pound last week, and gained a pound the week before.

Then I realize I'm still 9 pounds lighter than when I started.

I have a health condition that makes it harder to lose weight.

Then I am thankful that this condition is manageable and I am not the only one who has it.

What we tell ourselves has more impact than we realize.  When you are chasing after a goal, or a dream, tell yourself the things you would tell someone else if they were walking in your shoes.  It is very easy to let your own negative messages take over when you are struggling through a rough patch.  For every negative thing you catch yourself thinking, follow it up with a positive thought.  I didn't get to this point by allowing my fears and my negativity to rule my mind.  Our minds are way more powerful than we realize.  Once you learn to control your own mind, you will be unstoppable.

Weeks 5-6: finding what works

I can't believe week 5 has come and gone and I am cruising through week 6 already!  Physically speaking, last week was a good week!  My runs felt great.  Two of the days I even ran for 20 minutes without stopping to walk.  That is the longest I've gone so far.  There were other obstacles to overcome, however.  The biggest one being my schedule.  See, our basement is gym slash toy room slash studio slash craft room slash guest bedroom.  Also, my usual wake up is 5:15am.  So, when Grandma came to visit, I decided that a 5:15 am wake up call to thudding, huffing and puffing, was not the most hospitable thing I could do.  It worked out fine, because I was just able to sleep in a little and then run during the kids' nap time, but I realized early on that this was not what I wanted for my normal work out.

When I first started five and a half weeks ago, the first full week of attempting to wake up early was a complete fail.  I just couldn't convince myself to shake off the sleep and do it.  This resulted in me doing my run during the kids' nap time, which would be fine...if all three buggers actually slept during nap time.  My soon to be five year old hasn't taken a regular nap in almost a year, and my three and a half year old just recently started nixing his own nap time.  I still make them have "quiet time", which is at least 30 minutes of quiet activity in their own room.  Perfect time for me to run, right?  Well, it would be, if my girl didn't need to come out of her room and down the stairs for "a certain book", or "a drink of water" or "my good crayons".  It's always something.  And the boy is curious.  He hears the girl's door open and then he needs to see what's going on.  Long story short, that first week I was finding it very difficult to finish a run without stopping to be on "mommy duty" or to try and have a conversation while at the height of exertion (I am so not a social runner!) while my girl asked me 20 million questions.  Instead of feeling relaxed and rejuvenated after a good work out I was just as stressed, annoyed, and in an overall bad mood.  It was clear it wasn't working out.  I needed this time to be alone.  So, after a few days of this realization setting in, I was finally able to get my butt up out of bed before the sun came up.  And it was the best thing I ever could have done for myself at the beginning of this journey.

Are you stuck?  Do you find that you really want to start a workout regimen, but you can't quite figure out how to get it done?  

Try it one way for a bit and if that doesn't work out, try another way.  Don't keep trying to establish a routine that doesn't really jive with your schedule.  

Also, try to always use the word "jive" in some way.  It's awesome.  

If you try to force a routine that doesn't work for you, you will continue to dread it and thus set yourself up for failure before you've even begun.  Give it a week.  If it's not working out, switch it up.  Keep trying till you find something that works for you.  Jon Acuff wrote a post the other day called How I work: 6 tips to getting up early.  The whole post was good, but one point really resonated with me.  His number 3 was to do something fun in the morning.  He said don't try to do something you hate because that will just give you more reason to not get up.  

So don't try to force a routine on yourself that makes you miserable.  It will just give you more reason to not start.

I am not a morning person.  I never have been.  

But I love to run, and I love having some time to myself to think and to read.  I love having some calm before the storm of chaos that usually surrounds living life with three very messy and energetic little people.

So for that, I can get up.  

Figure out what works, then do it!