I've been convicted recently that I need to be spending more quality time with God. Last night I thought that I would try to rise a little earlier this morning to do just that. Okay, those of you who know me well can stop laughing now. My normal morning routine consists of falling out of bed just in time to shower, get dressed, pack a lunch, and jet. So, I thought, maybe God and I could do a little tag-team. Lord, I really want to spend time with you. Will you please wake me up in time to do that? Just do whatever means necessary, aside from having Yahtzee (my cat) hurt me. Please don't let him hurt me, but just allow me to wake up in time to spend some time with You. On a regular day, my normal wake up time is 6ish. This morning Josh had to be here 15 minutes earlier, so I had set my alarm clock for 5:45. This is without the alotted time for said quality time.
My eyes opened at 5:18 am. No Yahtzee, no weird noises. They just opened.
Then I went back to sleep.
Augh! I hate mornings. Absolutely hate them. Or rather, I hate how it affects me.
When I was telling Josh about my shameful behavior this morning, our talk turned to the time and how we actually left the house when we needed to.
He said, We really need to leave at this time every day.
I looked at him, Then you need to help me get up b/c I have such a hard time!
He was quick with his retort, If God can't do it how can I?
This comment was made in jest, but he has a point. Not that God couldn't lift me up out of bed and shove me in the right direction every morning. I absolutely believe that He could. But maybe I need to rethink my strategy a bit...
28 February 2008
27 February 2008
correction
I just wanted to put up a little disclaimer. There is a paragraph in my blog I wrote, in wake up call that may have been misconstrued.
It was pointed out to me that I could be comparing my family with Josh's family, and that it painted the picture that I preferred his family over mine. This is not at all what I intended!!!! I was simply talking about my awesome sisters in law that have married my brothers. Marrying into a family is an adjustment, to say the least. There are always adjustments you have to make, and the way that my family communicates with each other was one of those adjustments.
I'm so sorry if anyone was hurt by my inability to say what I was saying more clearly! I love you all SO much!!!!
"It is a running joke in my family that we are not a people of communication. It is not uncommon for me to find out some major health issue one of my family members incurred two or three weeks ago. I can go months and months without talking to any of my family and not think twice about it. If it weren't for the unending avenues of the internet and family websites, I would know zilch as to what's going on in their lives. The in laws in my family have been baffled (and gracious) as one by one they have been introduced to this crazy phenomenon, and each has had to adjust in their own way to "go with the flow", while not going crazy trying to figure us out. If you don't understand how we can be this way, you might want to quit trying b/c I'm not totally sure I understand it either."
It was pointed out to me that I could be comparing my family with Josh's family, and that it painted the picture that I preferred his family over mine. This is not at all what I intended!!!! I was simply talking about my awesome sisters in law that have married my brothers. Marrying into a family is an adjustment, to say the least. There are always adjustments you have to make, and the way that my family communicates with each other was one of those adjustments.
I'm so sorry if anyone was hurt by my inability to say what I was saying more clearly! I love you all SO much!!!!
26 February 2008
my weekend
On Saturday, Josh and I went with our small group (or village, as our church calls it) to a small, country church in Fairview, TN. This church had started to prepare hot food. We boxed up carton upon carton of hot meals, cold sandwiches, bread, and desserts, and loaded them into our vehicles. We started off down the road, looking for people who were working outside, sawing trees, clearing debris, and picking through what was left of their belongings. These were tornado victims, many who had lost everything, some who just had major damage. One of the first families we came upon was a man, his wife, and their little boy. They were picking through their things and placing the salvageable things in a pile, just feet from where their foundation was, and where their house used to be. Many we came upon had tired faces that washed over with relief when we told them we had some hot lunch to give them. We also prayed over everyone we met. It was such an amazing and humbling experience. I won't soon forget the things we saw or the people we met. Please pray for these people as they try to put their lives back together.
I was baffled every time we saw whole hillsides with leveled trees.
23 February 2008
wake up call
So Josh and I have been living in Nashville now for 10 months. Before moving over 700 miles from family and friends, plucking ourselves out of the familiar and landing way outside our comfort zone, I knew it would be difficult. Maybe I underestimated exactly how difficult, however. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying we don't like it here, and I'm not saying we want to leave. In fact, we've bought a house! More on that in another post.
I am going to share something on this post that is very hard to share, but I feel strongly that it's very necessary. I'm about to be very vulnerable here, so...be kind! I have been dealing with something this week that has taken me to a deep, dark place. The kind of place you don't want to be, ever. I fell into a despair that made me feel like I just wanted to quit. I just wanted to give up on everything. Yet, while I felt this way, I couldn't figure out the source of these feelings. Sure, I've moved out of state, far away from everything I love (except my wonderful hubby!), started a brand new job, and frankly, living life the hard way just like pretty much everyone else. What I was feeling, however, went deeper than social anxiety or the bills we weren't sure how to pay. On Monday, I stayed home from work. I just couldn't face the day. I wanted to stay home and wallow, cry out to God, and just try to figure myself out. Step one I mastered quite well. Seriously, my Oscar-worthy wallowing would impress you. Step two found me figuratively slamming my head into a brick wall over and over again. I didn't know why, but I didn't want to talk to God, I couldn't. I was hurt, I was confused, and yes, even angry.
For the past three weeks our pastor has been addressing the issue of suffering. Let me just take a small rabbit trail here and tell you that Josh and I absolutely love our church! God has totally directed us to this church and these people. I have never witnessed such raw authenticity in a group of God's people before now. We have also recently started to plug ourselves into a "new partners village". The villages are our small groups. The new partners villages are for those who are pretty new to the church and looking to pursue a membership, or a partnership, with the church and looking to live life with these people. That said, God has been doing a work in me. I didn't realize it, but He was using the combination of this series on suffering and our discussion at our village to force me to look into myself. The biggest realization I came to this week is that I have not done that in a long time. I think there are a couple things in my life that have contributed to developing me into this kind of person.
It is a running joke in my family that we are not a people of communication. It is not uncommon for me to find out some major health issue one of my family members incurred two or three weeks ago. I can go months and months without talking to any of my family and not think twice about it. If it weren't for the unending avenues of the internet and family websites, I would know zilch as to what's going on in their lives. The in laws in my family have been baffled (and gracious) as one by one they have been introduced to this crazy phenomenon, and each has had to adjust in their own way to "go with the flow", while not going crazy trying to figure us out. If you don't understand how we can be this way, you might want to quit trying b/c I'm not totally sure I understand it either.
What I do understand, is that I have created in myself an unhealthy method of processing the not-so-nice things in life. As in, I don't. When pain hits, I take it, file it away in the back of my mind with all the other "stuff I don't deal with", and move on. I had started to communicate with myself the same way I communicated with my family. I wasn't. When I would have the fleeting thought of hmm, maybe I should try to deal with this. I would come right back with, naah, I'm fine. It's not a big deal. I just wasn't being honest with myself about how I felt.
Josh and I will be celebrating our fourth year anniversary this summer. Almost two years ago, we decided that we were ready to embark on that crazy life-changing adventure of becoming parents. I quit taking birth control, and well, ya'll know the truth about the birds and the bees so.....anyways......after several months I knew something was wrong. I was not pregnant, and had stopped having a monthly cycle. I went to a doctor and he diagnosed me with having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. He told me I needed to eat right, exercise, and take a drug called Metformin. The Metformin took effect after several weeks. Though it made me sick as a dog at first, I finally started a regular cycle again. Then....enter a minor life-changing event....Josh and I picked up and moved over 700 miles away from home and started a new adventure and a new life in Nashville. My Metformin ran out, and it was time to start the obgyn search and get the new insurance and all that fun stuff. I finally met with my new doctor. LOVED him!!! He made me feel very secure and was more comforting and had better answers than "eat right and exercise". I left his office, armed with a new Metformin prescription and a renewed sense of hope. Three months later, my job informs me that they will be dropping my insurance carrier and picking up a new one, but that most of the doctors on this insurance accept both kinds....mine didn't. Starting over once more...new doctor, explaining my story again, another prescription - this time a fertility drug in combination with the Metformin.
Can you say, stressed? All my life, the one and only thing I have wanted, is to be a wife and mom. I still don't know what I want my major to be in college - and I graduated six years ago. There are things I enjoy doing, hobbies I have, but I have never had the hunger to pursue a certain career. I don't thrive on going to work every day. I even won a college scholarship for writing a paper on how I would use my college experience to help me in my life after college as a wife and mother.
For these last almost two years, I have been taking the infertility issues in stride. I've been telling myself all the right things. "God knows best....It's all in God's time....This is happening for a reason....God sees the big picture." While these things are all very true, I wasn't allowing myself to experience the hurt. I had the hurt - that came with the situation. But I wasn't allowing myself to feel it, and it was just building up. I think that part of the reason I wasn't allowing myself to feel it, was b/c I then would have to face the fact that I wasn't exactly happy with this path that God has chosen for me. Over the years I had somehow gotten this idea that one should not be angry at God. God knows best, after all. Or, if one does get angry at God, one better repent super-quick b/c to be angry at God is pretty much the unpardonable sin. In my case, my anger prevented me from even talking to God, b/c it was almost like I was scared He would smite me down for it. I've realized that it is okay to feel anger. It is okay to feel hurt. It is okay to feel. In fact, it's the only way to heal.
God has definitely been speaking into my life through this experience. He has directed Josh and I to this specific village at our church so that we would meet very specific people. I will tell you when it first started becoming clear to me that God was orchestrating every move:
Even though we have yet to get pregnant, Josh and I have discussed different names that we like/dislike. Finding a name we both agree on has become quite the feat. I would bring up a name I like, and Josh would shoot it down. Josh would bring up a name he likes, and I tell him there's no way I would even name a dog that. One day, we were driving in the car, and we heard a name in a song we were listening to. All of a sudden it hit me how much I loved the name. I turned to Josh, "What about _____?"
He didn't skip a beat, "As a name for our kid?"
It's not a common name, and I could tell right away he didn't hate it. "Yeah."
"I love it."
This conversation took place several months ago. Now fast forward to three weeks ago, our first new partners village meeting, and we were meeting our hosts at their house. We were in their kitchen, munching cookies and veggies amongst the chaos of people arriving and greeting each other. Our host was cleaning up her baby from dinner and getting her ready to go upstairs with the babysitter. She introduced us to her baby, this baby with the same exact "uncommon" name that we had chosen for our future daughter. On top of that, she has my middle name, Joy. I thought this was a pleasant and unique coincidence. Then the next words out of her mouth almost put me on the floor: "We tried for nine years to get pregnant before we had her."
This was no coincidence. God was already setting things into motion for me to heal, way before I even knew I needed it.
I have since been able to talk with this new sister and in sharing these feelings and hurt with someone who knows exactly where I'm coming from has given me such a sense of freedom. I can already feel the layers of the wall of false protection I've built coming down. Sharing this story with you all is also a part of my healing process. Keeping things to myself has become a vise, and something I need to overcome. Josh and I are both realizing more and more that we need people. We need brothers and sisters that we can lean on and walk through this life with. Thanks for reading my story. I hope it wasn't too scattered. I pray that you will see God's touch in your life. No matter where you are on your journey, I pray that you will see God meeting you where you are, and that you have, or will seek out brothers and sisters that you can share your walk with.
Thank you, God, for not giving up on me. Thank you for letting me hurt. Thank you for your hope, and thank you for your healing power.
I am going to share something on this post that is very hard to share, but I feel strongly that it's very necessary. I'm about to be very vulnerable here, so...be kind! I have been dealing with something this week that has taken me to a deep, dark place. The kind of place you don't want to be, ever. I fell into a despair that made me feel like I just wanted to quit. I just wanted to give up on everything. Yet, while I felt this way, I couldn't figure out the source of these feelings. Sure, I've moved out of state, far away from everything I love (except my wonderful hubby!), started a brand new job, and frankly, living life the hard way just like pretty much everyone else. What I was feeling, however, went deeper than social anxiety or the bills we weren't sure how to pay. On Monday, I stayed home from work. I just couldn't face the day. I wanted to stay home and wallow, cry out to God, and just try to figure myself out. Step one I mastered quite well. Seriously, my Oscar-worthy wallowing would impress you. Step two found me figuratively slamming my head into a brick wall over and over again. I didn't know why, but I didn't want to talk to God, I couldn't. I was hurt, I was confused, and yes, even angry.
For the past three weeks our pastor has been addressing the issue of suffering. Let me just take a small rabbit trail here and tell you that Josh and I absolutely love our church! God has totally directed us to this church and these people. I have never witnessed such raw authenticity in a group of God's people before now. We have also recently started to plug ourselves into a "new partners village". The villages are our small groups. The new partners villages are for those who are pretty new to the church and looking to pursue a membership, or a partnership, with the church and looking to live life with these people. That said, God has been doing a work in me. I didn't realize it, but He was using the combination of this series on suffering and our discussion at our village to force me to look into myself. The biggest realization I came to this week is that I have not done that in a long time. I think there are a couple things in my life that have contributed to developing me into this kind of person.
It is a running joke in my family that we are not a people of communication. It is not uncommon for me to find out some major health issue one of my family members incurred two or three weeks ago. I can go months and months without talking to any of my family and not think twice about it. If it weren't for the unending avenues of the internet and family websites, I would know zilch as to what's going on in their lives. The in laws in my family have been baffled (and gracious) as one by one they have been introduced to this crazy phenomenon, and each has had to adjust in their own way to "go with the flow", while not going crazy trying to figure us out. If you don't understand how we can be this way, you might want to quit trying b/c I'm not totally sure I understand it either.
What I do understand, is that I have created in myself an unhealthy method of processing the not-so-nice things in life. As in, I don't. When pain hits, I take it, file it away in the back of my mind with all the other "stuff I don't deal with", and move on. I had started to communicate with myself the same way I communicated with my family. I wasn't. When I would have the fleeting thought of hmm, maybe I should try to deal with this. I would come right back with, naah, I'm fine. It's not a big deal. I just wasn't being honest with myself about how I felt.
Josh and I will be celebrating our fourth year anniversary this summer. Almost two years ago, we decided that we were ready to embark on that crazy life-changing adventure of becoming parents. I quit taking birth control, and well, ya'll know the truth about the birds and the bees so.....anyways......after several months I knew something was wrong. I was not pregnant, and had stopped having a monthly cycle. I went to a doctor and he diagnosed me with having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. He told me I needed to eat right, exercise, and take a drug called Metformin. The Metformin took effect after several weeks. Though it made me sick as a dog at first, I finally started a regular cycle again. Then....enter a minor life-changing event....Josh and I picked up and moved over 700 miles away from home and started a new adventure and a new life in Nashville. My Metformin ran out, and it was time to start the obgyn search and get the new insurance and all that fun stuff. I finally met with my new doctor. LOVED him!!! He made me feel very secure and was more comforting and had better answers than "eat right and exercise". I left his office, armed with a new Metformin prescription and a renewed sense of hope. Three months later, my job informs me that they will be dropping my insurance carrier and picking up a new one, but that most of the doctors on this insurance accept both kinds....mine didn't. Starting over once more...new doctor, explaining my story again, another prescription - this time a fertility drug in combination with the Metformin.
Can you say, stressed? All my life, the one and only thing I have wanted, is to be a wife and mom. I still don't know what I want my major to be in college - and I graduated six years ago. There are things I enjoy doing, hobbies I have, but I have never had the hunger to pursue a certain career. I don't thrive on going to work every day. I even won a college scholarship for writing a paper on how I would use my college experience to help me in my life after college as a wife and mother.
For these last almost two years, I have been taking the infertility issues in stride. I've been telling myself all the right things. "God knows best....It's all in God's time....This is happening for a reason....God sees the big picture." While these things are all very true, I wasn't allowing myself to experience the hurt. I had the hurt - that came with the situation. But I wasn't allowing myself to feel it, and it was just building up. I think that part of the reason I wasn't allowing myself to feel it, was b/c I then would have to face the fact that I wasn't exactly happy with this path that God has chosen for me. Over the years I had somehow gotten this idea that one should not be angry at God. God knows best, after all. Or, if one does get angry at God, one better repent super-quick b/c to be angry at God is pretty much the unpardonable sin. In my case, my anger prevented me from even talking to God, b/c it was almost like I was scared He would smite me down for it. I've realized that it is okay to feel anger. It is okay to feel hurt. It is okay to feel. In fact, it's the only way to heal.
God has definitely been speaking into my life through this experience. He has directed Josh and I to this specific village at our church so that we would meet very specific people. I will tell you when it first started becoming clear to me that God was orchestrating every move:
Even though we have yet to get pregnant, Josh and I have discussed different names that we like/dislike. Finding a name we both agree on has become quite the feat. I would bring up a name I like, and Josh would shoot it down. Josh would bring up a name he likes, and I tell him there's no way I would even name a dog that. One day, we were driving in the car, and we heard a name in a song we were listening to. All of a sudden it hit me how much I loved the name. I turned to Josh, "What about _____?"
He didn't skip a beat, "As a name for our kid?"
It's not a common name, and I could tell right away he didn't hate it. "Yeah."
"I love it."
This conversation took place several months ago. Now fast forward to three weeks ago, our first new partners village meeting, and we were meeting our hosts at their house. We were in their kitchen, munching cookies and veggies amongst the chaos of people arriving and greeting each other. Our host was cleaning up her baby from dinner and getting her ready to go upstairs with the babysitter. She introduced us to her baby, this baby with the same exact "uncommon" name that we had chosen for our future daughter. On top of that, she has my middle name, Joy. I thought this was a pleasant and unique coincidence. Then the next words out of her mouth almost put me on the floor: "We tried for nine years to get pregnant before we had her."
This was no coincidence. God was already setting things into motion for me to heal, way before I even knew I needed it.
I have since been able to talk with this new sister and in sharing these feelings and hurt with someone who knows exactly where I'm coming from has given me such a sense of freedom. I can already feel the layers of the wall of false protection I've built coming down. Sharing this story with you all is also a part of my healing process. Keeping things to myself has become a vise, and something I need to overcome. Josh and I are both realizing more and more that we need people. We need brothers and sisters that we can lean on and walk through this life with. Thanks for reading my story. I hope it wasn't too scattered. I pray that you will see God's touch in your life. No matter where you are on your journey, I pray that you will see God meeting you where you are, and that you have, or will seek out brothers and sisters that you can share your walk with.
Thank you, God, for not giving up on me. Thank you for letting me hurt. Thank you for your hope, and thank you for your healing power.
14 February 2008
my valentine
I love these self-portraits, b/c it reminds of that time that we shared that special moment, just us, not even the photographer. This is my love, my partner, my friend, my husband. I love you, Josh Canady!!You are SO
and I am so thankful that you are
I am so grateful that the man who is
actually wanted to
To you I will ever
I love to hear your voice when you
You ARE
You are the coolest
EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When we are not together, I
SOO much!!!
You and
are my true love, my very
Words can never express how much
Nothing makes me happier (not even ice cream) than to know that I will grow old with you, for as long as we are on this earth!!!
Like the Google couple:
I LOVE YOU!!!
Love,
Your PG
10 February 2008
family time
Josh's parents have been visiting this weekend and we've really been having a great time just being together. I've missed these times with them of just chillin out and visiting. This is an early anniversary present we gave them. It was originally supposed to be a Christmas present and I just didn't finish it in time. It's a cross-stitch of their wedding picture.Here it is close up:
There's a reflection of the flash on it, but you get the idea. People tell me they can't believe the patience I have to do something like this, but really, I don't feel like it takes patience b/c I really enjoy doing it. I've always enjoyed doing things with my hands and having a finished product I can be proud of. Happy Anniversary, Canadys!! (in August!)
07 February 2008
thought of the day
If you have to take your hands off the machine to pull up and adjust your sleeveless top, you might have confused going to the Y with date night. You might as well just walk back and forth in front of the machines while showing some skin. You'll expend less energy, and you'll have served the same purpose. I mean, completely my personal opinion, of course.
06 February 2008
tornado report
This picture doesn't have anything to do with the subject of the post. Just a bit of random creativity from my cubicle neighbor. Yes, it's a groundhog inside a Starbucks thingie.Just in case you heard about our crazy weather last night. We were kept safe and sound from the tornados. We had some big storms and annoying tornado sirens in the wee hours of the morning, but other than that, all is well. Thanks be to God!
04 February 2008
consistency (the lack thereof)
Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,
I am not consistent. As I take a step back and look at my life, I am a little discouraged at just how many areas of my life lack discipline and consistency. My workout schedule, my diet, quiet time with God, my prayerlife, keeping in touch with family and friends, housecleaning, being on time, and I am sure this list could go on and on the longer I sit here. Oh, and by the way, for those of you who keep up with Josh's blog, his post on laziness in no way spurred on this post. I think that God is doing a great work in our lives, separately and as a unit, and it's exciting to see how He points things out to us, before we even communicate it to each other! God, the masterful orchestrator. Marvelous.
As I've pondered this detrimental trait I've acquired, I realize that consistency is something that I greatly admire in another person. When I see someone else who has the gift of discipline in anything, no matter how big or small, I marvel at it and wish that I were that way. The verse above is what has been coming to my mind lately as I think about what I can do to change this about myself. In looking at a couple different translations you could swap out "endurance" with "perseverence", or "patience". Patience is a word I heard often while growing up. My parents knew the importance of this virtue and did their share of ingraining upon my head with it. Unfortunately, no matter how many times I hear it or strive to acquire it, it doesn't seem to get any easier to have it within my possession. The "I-want-what-I-want-and-I-want-it-now" society that we live in doesn't help. Failure to be consistent leads to discouragement which leads to giving up. This verse in Hebrews reminds me that even though I am constantly fighting the lack of consistency, I need to keep on keeping on. I may not have a perfect record. In reviewing it you will definitely see where I've fallen down and had to get up again......and again and again. But I guess that's the point. I do get up. That's the important part, and that's not giving up. That's keeping on.
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